


The Cockatoo Chronicles

by ni21



Series: Shōganai [3]
Category: One Piece
Genre: F/M, Family, Family Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:20:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 17,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23084647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ni21/pseuds/ni21
Summary: When Zoro had first thought about how it would be to raise a kid on Sunny, he'd thought it would be easy. Of course it would be easy, there'd be nine parents that would love the brat unconditionally.... What he hadn't thought about, was the fact that all those nine parents were one way or another absolute idiots. Himself included, obviously.
Relationships: Nico Robin/Roronoa Zoro
Series: Shōganai [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1467541
Comments: 43
Kudos: 107
Collections: Shōganai





	1. Welcome Ugly Cockatoo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo and welcome!
> 
> If you come here from Shôganai you're already set. If you're new and just here for some next Gen fluff, well, you won't miss much if you haven't read Shôganai, Zoro and Robin are a couple. That's basically it. But if you want to know what the kid looks like fresh out the oven you might want to check the last chapter. There might be some references you won't get if you haven't read Shôganai but nothing too big. I think. I'll be making this up as I go.
> 
> What you can expect in this fic is exactly what you read in the summary, 9 idiots try to raise a kid into a decent human being. The POV will change around amongst the crew and the kid herself in later chapters and there will be quite substantial time skips between the chapters.
> 
> Bear in mind that I don't have children (and reading this you should easily see why I'm not fit for such a task) so I have no idea how accurate this all will be. This fic is mainly self-indulgent trash with a pinch of "I have standards ~~maybe~~ "
> 
> Also huge thank you to Rexica for Beta-Reading, Check out disinhibition if you haven't, don't be deterred by that OC Tag, Fi ist awesome! You can find the fic in my bookmarks

They were all lounging around the outer door of the infirmary. The silence around them had an almost eerie quality now that the screeching had stopped. Just as eerie as before it had begun. Sanji wasn't as stupid as the rest of the morons. He knew what childbirth was and knew that it was supposed to be painful. They'd been absolutely sick with worry when Robin, the two doctors, and the idiot had vanished to the infirmary, and they hadn't heard a single sound. Had something gone wrong? Did they have to discard that idea of natural birth in favour of Law getting the child with his ability? 

He'd been so worried about his beautiful Robin-chwan that not even sweet Nami-swan's radiant smile could appease his mind. Of all people, it had been snot-faced Usopp, quivering and shivering in fear, who'd calmed him down. 

"Th-th-that's just like her, s-s-scaring us like that," he'd stammered, followed by reassuring himself that it was just a prank. He had to admit it could be something Robin would do. And honestly, since she had confirmed that cursed news article, who knew how she'd react to that amount of pain…

He'd be lying though if he said that he hadn't hoped for her to curse the idiot to high heaven, but the only cursing they had heard was from the shitty bastard himself.

Honestly, what the fuck was his problem when Robin did all the fucking work, but even he wouldn't go as far as to say that the bastard had no idea what she was going through. Obviously, he didn't know what childbirth felt like, but… Marimo had probably suffered through way more on Thriller Bark. Fuck. That damn dumbass with his penchant for self-sacrifice. Thriller Bark was one thing, but what the fuck had he been thinking, leaving his pregnant wife behind? 

He picked a stalk of celery from the snack plate he'd just prepared even though he knew it was just a sorry attempt to trick his addiction, but fucking hell, he didn't deserve her. Or maybe he did, but he wouldn't be caught dead admitting that out loud… his sweet, exquisite angel in the hands of that uncouth brute!

Half an hour ago, the silence had stopped and had been replaced by a godawful wailing. And just as he'd been ready to decide that the shithead's offspring was just as annoying as he was, Chopper and Law had exited the infirmary to inform them that Robin had given birth to a healthy little baby girl, and that vile thought had been snuffed out instantly.

Of course a princess had to demand attention if it wasn't freely given!

And now that the wailing had stopped, they all sat here and waited until their newest member was finally ready to meet them, because as of now only Marimo and Smoker of all people had been allowed access. He nudged his unconscious captain with the tip of his immaculate dress shoe. Fucking idiot, served him right wanting to barge into the room like that. Beautiful Nami-swan had rightfully tossed him overboard. Robin needed rest. Obviously a girl wouldn't be born with as square a skull as her father, but even with Robin's clearly superior genes, he wouldn't put it past the girl to have gotten lost on her way out. That couldn't possibly have been easy on Robin-chwan.

"Is something wrong, Chopper?" Nami-swan asked at the weird expression on their doctor, somehow torn between sadness and unbridled happiness. An expression he hadn't noticed at first, but of course Nami-swan's observation skills were unparalleled.

"Mh, we might have a problem…" Chopper answered and was immediately leveled with a glare from Law.

"Mother and child are perfectly fine," the surgeon added, making Chopper squeak and apologize for potentially scaring them.

"Yes, yes, they are really healthy. It's just that she has his hair, so Tashigi can't take care of her."

Well fucking damn. As effortless as their crew made it look sometimes, nothing was ever easy for them, was it? Why? Why? Why, in the name of the All Blue hadn't his stupid genes gotten lost in the process?

Thanks to Nami's embargo -that unfortunately he now knew the actual reason for- it was fairly easy to forget that it was moss for brains that was Robin's partner. They never touched, never shared lingering, longing glances, and it really was only their vanishing to the Crows nest that was an indication. But now, with Robin's sweet princess… He had no doubt that she would be the most beautiful, adorable little girl they had ever met, but why did she have to have his stupid hair? It would be a constant reminder that it was the damn fucking brute that had Robin-chwan's heart!

"Fuck," Nami muttered under her breath, her angelic voice softening the impact of the word itself. "Sanji-kun, Luffy needs to wake up," she added, and he flew towards his kitchen. Of course his beautiful angel was right, there were wors- other problems that hair brought with it. When he entered, the scent of cigars was still thick in the room. He'd just missed the marine who hadn't even touched his cigars the last few days, and he had to commend the man's dedication. If one asked Chopper, this relationship between beautiful Robin and dumbass Marimo was the best thing to have happened. Marimo drank considerably less, and with the pregnancy, he had actually managed to reduce to 5 a day… damn adorable busybody…

He took the steak out of the fridge. Normally, he let it rest on the counter to give it some good flame later, but this was about Luffy, so he took the plate with the raw cut right out the kitchen to place in front of the slightly twitching captain. 

They all watched in wonder and disgust as the boy slithered up to it to devour it whole like a fucking snake before his eyes snapped open, and he jumped to his feet. He was just about to try to smash into the infirmary again, but Nami spoke up. "Captain," she said, and Luffy froze. Fuck, they all knew that it was serious when they actually used his title like that.

"Tashigi-chan can't take care of the kid. She got Zoro's hair," she sighed. Tashigi- _chan_? He wholeheartedly agreed of course, but hearing that from Na- Na- Nami-swan and Tashigi-chan? 

Ah fuck. He padded himself down at the telltale tingle of a nose bleed. He wasn't a fucking barbarian to wipe his nose on his sleeve after all. He accepted the tissue from Brook with a grateful nod under the condescending eyes of both Chopper and Usopp. Oh, what did they know… he cleared his throat. Usopp did have a girl waiting… not that he was jealous or anything. There were enough Ladies that deserved a gentleman like him every now and then.

"So what's the problem, we go to Reverse Mountain and back to East Blue. We'll meet all our friends again. It'll be fun!" Luffy laughed before throwing open the door to the infirmary to greet their newest member. 

How did he always make it look so easy? The boy was a dumb rock most of the time, but other times, things were just clear, weren't they? His dream wouldn't have to suffer for this, because by now it was quite clear that finding the one piece without Robin would be impossible. Who cared if they took another break? It just meant a longer adventure, and who'd be against that?

They laughed, all of them, because sometimes their stupid as fuck captain was a real genius. When Luffy returned, he joined their laughter.

"Shishishishi, she's _so_ ugly. Nami, you're next!"

Sweet Nami-swan rightfully whacked the boy over the head, telling him that babies weren't ugly. 

He'd never seen a newborn before, but even with the Marimo's genes, there was no way that Robin-chwan's child would be anything but perfect!

When Nami returned his heart sank. His angel looked almost shaken, and Luffy sent Usopp in. Fuck, this situation really called for a cigarette, and he intensified his chewing on the celery. The child just _couldn't_ be ugly! It couldn't, damn it!

When Usopp returned he had that same shocked, confused look as Nami and that just couldn't be? Was it because of Robin's devil fruit, or that weird as fuck monster technique of the idiot? Did she have a third arm or something? No doubt she'd be beautiful still! Just… 

"Shishishishi, you're next Sanji."

Never in his life had he ever dreaded seeing one of his angels more than right this moment. If the child was really really ugly, with no trace of Robin's ethereal beauty… would he be able to hide it? He swallowed the last of his celery, it was no use. There was no way she was ugly, and he'd prove it to them! 

When he pushed open the door, the enthusiastic 'Robin-chwan' got stuck in his throat. His beautiful angel, black hair wet with sweat plastered on her face, but her face had the most beautiful healthy shine he'd ever seen on her. She looked like a goddess, the perfect combination of soft and strong, and then there was that stupid gorilla next to her and… oh… oh fucking hell she _was_ ugly. What the fuck was that even? That was no beautiful baby, no sweet child of Robin's! It was a… a whitish, scrunched up mini Marimo! Oh his greatest fears!

"Isn't she the cutest?" Robin asked, and he ripped his eyes of the abomination in her arms. That beautiful smile on her lips. He couldn't say no, could he? But he couldn't lie to his angel either! He- he… blackness crept in from all around and as undignified and weak as it had to look to the shitty swordsman, he didn't fight it and sank to the floor to the angelic choir of "fufufufufu."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this first introduction! Let me know with a comment and or kudos. As for all my work I appreciate feedback in any form. Quick yay or a heart, that was fun in the comments? Wonderful! You don't agree think I'm full of shit? Yeah you're probably right, but try to say it politely, I'm really up for any and all interaction as long as there's basic courtesy. Constructive criticism? Always! I can't improve without that!
> 
> When's the next chapter? I don't know, I'll update Wednesday's, just because I got used to that with Shôganai, see it as a bit of a lift in the middle of the week to make it til weekend... Which Wednesday I don't know though, might be next, might be in a month, all depends on my schedule and more importantly my motivation ^^' 
> 
> Also might add, this chapter is fairly long all the others that I have in store for way later are way shorter...


	2. 45° Cockatoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As you know, there's now a baby on Sunny. We're now a few months into the new dynamics and things are kinda back to normal. Today's episode? Babysitter Brook (As if you couldn't have guessed that from the Chapter title ^^') Have fun!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo and welcome back!  
> Whelp, turns out I'm full of shit, as you see, it's not Wednesday, but I figured we all can do with a little love during this time so here you go!

In all the years he'd been drifting around the sea on his own, he'd never even dreamt to have a crew again. A crew that for all intents and purposes would function as a family. The only thing keeping him from going into the water had been his promise to Laboon, the vague hope to find a way to him, to come across some ship that would carry him far enough to make it on his own. 

Not once had he thought to get an actual family that would fight for his dream as if it was their own. But the Strawhats had taken him in as family without reserve. Adjusting to the company hadn't been easy after years of only his own voice echoing back from the rotting planks of their doomed ship, or after the horrifying despair of hopelessness when he'd been shackled to Thriller Bark because of an enemy he couldn't defeat. He'd done his best. Because he owed it to them. The future king of the pirates, that had offered a place on the crew after seeing him just once, the soon to be greatest swordsman that had defeated Ryuuma and made it possible to join them, and the rest of the crew that had given everything in their power to defeat the one responsible. 

It hadn't taken long for him to realise that he didn't have to feel bad for the quirks he had acquired over years of near madness, because they had accepted him as he was, apart from the occasional whack over the head by their navigator, which seemed to be more of an expression of love than anything. 

And now, that young man who he admired so much, who he owed so much, trusted him with his daughter. His incredibly ugly daughter that didn't at all look like her beautiful mother. 

He'd never thought he'd get a crew again, a quasi family, and now he sat there on the floor with a sleeping baby like an actual grandfather or something. A real family. Something most pirates didn't even think about. Something he'd vaguely wished for a lifetime ago… only to now realize actual family was incredibly boring. The child just slept. He'd sung her to sleep, but now he couldn't sing anymore because as much as he loved the girl's mother's company over tea, he did not want to draw her wrath on him for waking the girl up from her nap before the time.

But maybe… maybe just a little nudge? Not more than what could be brushed off as a harsh wave hitting Lion-chan from the side? Nobody would have to know? Of course he should expect Robin’s prying eyes and ears everywhere, but she was busy right now. Preoccupied if you will. He could feel her energy jumping all over the place, while the young swordsman was a steady presence reining her in. He was sure the others would disagree, but in their private times the boy was an artist. A conductor directing the millards of usually hidden clashing emotions of a healing soul into a soulsearing concert. It was a beautiful thing to witness even though it always felt as if intruding on them, not that he could help it if he was anywhere near the ship. He blamed his devilfruit. Ever since his awareness of the souls around him, their songs had become much more prominent. He was sure that the others couldn’t see their dance as he could. The vibrant colours. 

Ah, she definitely wouldn’t see, so he gripped the black fluffy blanket with the pink skulls on it in his bony hand and tugged just enough to make the snoring baby roll a bit. He should have known better. Of course she wouldn’t wake from that. She was like her father in that, would easily sleep through a storm that would throw her through the room if it wasn’t for Franky-san’s self-stabilizing crib. Her father woke up if he was really needed, though. The girl didn’t, left him alone in his boredom, leaving his mind to wander and listen in on things that were none of his business. 

He knew the others were mildly annoyed by this. And he’d been called a gossip more than once. It wasn’t his fault. Decades alone, one just started to talk to themselves. And he might also add that there was no other choice than to spill the tea when Nami-san asked for it. Orange with blue dots. Yohohoho, he should not spill this knowledge. He had never seen Robin-sans panties though, not even on the laundry line. Ah, he guessed they were for the young swordsman’s eyes only… What a shame, he was sure, that he couldn’t cherish them as much as he could. The boy lacked a sense of aesthetics most of the time, scoffed at it if anything. 

Loud purple burst from the crowsnest above. Powerful like a scream but somehow calm like a whisper yet soaring to the sky like a bird finally free from its cage. Loud, strong, and unashamed yet lost and swaying in the wind. It was a harsh reminder that he didn’t give the swordsman enough credit. He just valued other aesthetics than he did. That calm green, tiny in comparison to the billowing whisper of his wife, and yet it seemed to be the only thing keeping her tethered to this world. 

He supposed he didn’t need her panties. In fact, he probably had more than enough with all the fanmail he still received. But just like the singing, like the joking and the talking to himself… He had yearned for anything feminine for years, and the pair of panties that had floated past his lonely prison had been the only thing that had helped him remember the warmth of a woman’s embrace in his dead cold bones. He was happy with his new family, and he would always have a special bond towards the younger swordsman who had freed his shadow, but as beautiful as their expression of their love was to witness, he couldn’t help the slight jealousy gripping his heart, for he would never be able to have that… although, he didn’t have a heart, yohohohoho.

Oh, he’d been talking aloud again, he realized at the quiet gurgling in front of him. Blue eyes focused on him as much as they could. Yohohoho, finally. 

Now what could he play to engage this boring little loaf? Something cheery probably. But simple. He didn’t want to upset her, after all. She perked up at the first strum of his guitar. Yes, it was never too early to learn their hymn. She gurgled and cooed, almost as if she wanted to sing along even though she lacked any intonation but maybe… yes, maybe she could make music with him. He pushed that tiny toy with the tiny bells into her tiny chubby fist, and after a few moments of blinking her eyes at it, she gave it a good shake. Eyes widened in confusion at the sudden noise it makes. Oh what a shame, it seemed she had her father’s intellect, but… He chanced another look at the rhythmic pulse of purple dancing across the sky. He was convinced there had to be some artistic skill inside this child. And who was better to coax it to the surface than the Soul King himself?

Yohohoho, yohohoho. He gently clasped his cold, boney hand around her warm and soft fist, gently shaking hit in tune to his humming. Yes, just like that, little loaf! Just like that! Yohohoho, yohohoho…

Carefully, very very carefully, he let his hand slip away, hoping she wouldn’t really notice and just keep the motion going. Yohohoho, Yohohoho. Ah, there was hope, yohohoho yohohoho. Just like that, little loaf. 

“Bink’s no-” And after that, the little rattle smacked against his jaw, with just enough precision to dislocate it. Big blue eyes stared up at him, his jaw hanging on his skull, and even though it shouldn’t be possible at her age, he could swear he saw humor dancing across her features… although he didn’t have any eyes, yohohoho.

Maybe he hadn’t given the little loaf enough credit. There definitely was something of her mother in there, and if it was only that penchant for dislocating bones.

“Alright, little loaf, no music.” It was fine, really, it wasn’t as if music made his heart beat, altho- nah… it just wasn’t the same like that. 

Ah… for how long would the girl stay like that? A year? Two? He really didn’t know much about babies. None of them actually did, despite their doctor’s best efforts. None of them had ever been even close to a child this age… apart from some alleged baby-sitting in Water 7, but that had been before his time. Her parents took that with relative ease. Surprisingly enough. Especially from the young swordsman, they had expected differently. But as it stood, their betting pool just grew on the older the girl got because not once he had come running in absolute unfounded panic because he feared his daughter’s safety. When she had screamed for hours on end, he’d just shrugged his shoulders assuming she just had to poop. And when that one horrible storm had hit, he’d just laid her in her crib, fully trusting that it would protect her, and just hitched up the sails and continued to secure the cargo as he would have before. Ah, just as boring as the girl herself. With another heavy sigh, he rolled her on her tummy as he’d been told to do now. For training purposes. 

It was a pity that she was too young to share any interests with any of them. Most of them seemed kind of upset by that, but to their great surprise, the one who actually really didn’t seem to mind was their captain. The one who they’d all thought they’d have to rein in with his enthusiasm. But the young boy seemed completely content just talking to her for hours and making faces. Sometimes he would put on his thinking face, which would make everyone just a tiny bit uneasy. It would give him goosebumps if he had skin. Yo ho ho. 

Oh, this boredom could kill a ma-

What? He turned his attention back on the child, chubby arms pressing against the ground. Could it be? Her upper body pushed from the fluffy blanket. YES! 

He scrambled to his feet, his soul tensed around his bones, making them perfectly straight as he smacked his head against the tree on deck. From the corner of his eyes - although he didn’t have any eyes, yohohohoho- he looked at the little bird on the ground. She still had some training to do, but this pose was unmistakable. 

A loud laugh bubbled along his spine. “Yohohohoho, 45°!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Humongous thanks to [Rexica](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rexica/pseuds/Rexica) for beta reading.
> 
> All in all I have to say that I absolutely love this child. I'm aware that this is completely selfindulgent and I'm having an awful lot of fun coming up with new ideas and actually writing them and I'd be very happy if some of you could love her too (Even though right now she's still just a boring loaf of meat).  
> I'll have you know, that there's an excel sheet with -as of now- 89 Ideas for chapters throughout this ugly child's life. Some of those might be fused together, but there's a lot of ideas to keep this going for a while. The next 5 (?) chapters are done and waiting for beta, but as I mentioned in my other fic, progress is slow right now. Would you prefer I upload them unbetaed every two weeks, as long as I have them in stock? Or rather wait? Let me know in the comments! Stay safe and healthy!
> 
> Next up: "A Cockatoo’s First Word(s)" Where you'll learn a bit about Zoro's relationship with his adorable daughter!


	3. A Cockatoo's First Word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew thought it was a good idea to leave a child making its first attempts at talking alone with its grumpy marimo father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo and welcome back!  
> You guys have no idea how happy it makes me that you seem to like this ugly bird! This chapter was the first one I wrote, all the way back in June 2019, which some of you might remember was just when the relationship between her parents got kinda serious and commited in Shôganai. This chapter had just been a ramdom thought passing through that scattered brain of mine. It turned out I'm a huge sucker for big bad menacing fathers with their little ~~princesses~~ demonspawns and things really went downhill from there. [Rexica](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rexica/pseuds/Rexica) didn't do shit to rein me in on this, in fact spurred me on even more... and so I ended up having to conveniently bust Robin's birthcontrol. A move I usually hate reading, because... you know if it's compromised just keep it in your pants but I now fully understand why an author would start reaching for straws just to make that stupid brat happen. Anyways, here you have it, ovary exploding cuteness. Have fun!

His daughter was a heavy sleeper. Before waking up, she hadn't stirred once. Kid came after him in too many ways if one was to believe the witch and exactly the right amount if one asked him. It was easy looking after her while the others were out exploring the peaceful island, mainly because the kid had tremendous fun no matter what he did with her. Using her as extra weight during his training had her squealing and laughing more than the curly peekaboos, and now thoroughly spent, she was completely content to nap on his chest. And as long as he put the soft gloves over his hands when he changed her diapers there was absolutely nothing in his presence that would make her cry. This was perfect. There wasn't even anybody around teasing him with the nauseating cuteness of the scene.

They often napped like this, hidden away in some room, him sprawled on the floor propped up against the wall and the negligible weight of the tiny toddler on his chest. He'd been up since the girl had started stirring, but his eye only snapped open when tiny chubby hands smacked against his cheeks with more force than he would have expected from the little squirt. 

"Ma, ma, ma," she made, her eyes darkening as if frustrated that the word she was searching just wouldn't come out the way she wanted. Made him chuckle, and the kid bounced on his chest, frustration making way for a little squeal for just a moment before the darkness returned.

"I feel ya, lil bird, let's just leave the talking to your mum," he laughed but just earned a scowl that was just a little too much like his own. He'd never understand how such an ugly thing could be so fucking cute. Was nauseating. 

"Ma, ma… ma."

"Want your  _ mama _ ? She'll be back in no time," he tried to pacify but earned another smack to his face. Fucking brat. "Cut that out kid or you can sleep on the floor next time," he chastised her even though he wasn't sure she understood him… Robin insisted that she could understand even though she hadn't really uttered her first word yet. Sometimes she seemed like she understood, but at times like that she looked so much like Luffy when he acted as if he understood that he couldn't really take it seriously. 

"Ma, ma, ma .. ma, maa," she made again, her gaze turning darker with every try. Oh please fuck, don't let her develop that singing tick like Goldilocks from Alabasta! In fact, don't let her talk at all, they'd be upset if they couldn't witness the girl's first word.

"Ma ma marimo," she finally said, followed by a happy squeal and a tiny fist rubbing his hair.

What the actual fuck?

"Marimo! Marimo marimo,"she squealed over and over again.

"Oh fucking hell, I'm gonna kill that fucking cook!"

She looked at him, blue eyes big and mouth agape. Scratch that, she definitely understood that and in horror he watched as she drew her bottom lip between her teeth.

"I'm fucked," he said before slapping a hand first over his own mouth and then his daughter’s.

One deep breath. "So, Tori, I want you to listen very carefully, you got me?" he asked, but she just blinked her big eyes at him, still fucking laughing. Damn brat had no idea what was at stake here.

"I want you to never ever speak any of those words again, alright? This will stay between the two of us, alright? No need to tell your mum, or aunt Nami, or Curly Brow, got it? Nobody is to know that you said that," he stressed, hoping against hope that Robin's brains in the kid were strong enough to cancel his out.

Tori just cocked her head to the side, eyebrows drawing to a scowl.

Fuck.

"You want chocolate? You can have chocolate if you keep this a secret!"

She squealed, "So, so!" 

Thank fuck that kids were easy to bribe. He made his way to the kitchen, toddler slung over his shoulder while she stretched her limbs from her as if she was flying. "So, so, so!"

Yeah, he would get into trouble for giving the kid sweets, and yes, he would also get in trouble for cutting the lock to the storage. But that would be nothing compared to the mortification of curly brow knowing that his kid’s first word had been marimo or the electrocution he'd suffer if the witch found out that 'fuck' most likely was second.

They must have napped longer than he'd thought, because just as Tori was sitting on the dinner table, thoroughly covered head to toe in molten chocolate, both cheeks stuffed with the sweet treat like a fucking chipmunk, the crew returned. Well, the part of the crew he wanted to see least did… and they hadn't even brought Chopper to treat his inevitable injuries.

"What is going on here," Curly Brow asked, gesturing from the kid to the chocolate wrappers and the destroyed locks.

Tori audibly gulped down approximately 5 pounds of chocolate before giggling and clapping her filthy hands together.

"Marimo, fuck," she squealed.

Fucking traitor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this, let me know what you think, pretty please! And just in case, I repeat, I don't have children, Tori is my child now, so please don't hold me accountable to the development stages she goes through here.  
> huge thank you to [Rexica](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rexica/pseuds/Rexica) for managing to beta this chapter and for encouraging me with this story, and for listening to all my crazy, ridiculous, adorable ideas. You wouldn't have this fic if it wasn't for her, so if you're up for it (and old enough) check out her amazing fic!
> 
> Tori will be back in two weeks to annoy her aunt a bit!


	4. Dirty Little Cockatoo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo and welcome back!  
> Glad you're not sick of this thing already. As always a huge thank you to [Rexica](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rexica/pseuds/Rexica) because she managed to beta this!  
> Sorry it's short...

Nami scowled at the filthy little thing in front of her. Kid beamed as if her scowl wasn't something to be afraid of. As if it didn't inherently carry the threat of a thunderbolt cooking your insides. As if the damn brat knew she had nothing to fear from her, because no matter if she was covered in dirt from head to toe, her brand new clothes ruined beyond repair and her hair crusted with everything from today's breakfast to machine oil, she was still the most adorable thing she'd ever seen. No matter that she looked just like her idiot father… not that one could see that under a pound of dirt. 

Ever since the girl had started crawling, no patch of dirt was safe. She was a fucking magnet. Didn't matter that the ship was freshly cleaned. If just one of the dickheads had left out just one cranny, this kid was going to find it and dive in head first.

When the girl had learned to stand, she had hoped things would get better. Had started to buy her pretty little dresses, designer pants. She was a girl after all, and girls always wanted to be pretty. She'd been sure that now that she didn't have to crawl anymore, it would be a worthwhile investment. After all, she wouldn't want to dirty those pretty clothes, and since there were no more knees scraping over the wood, no more rips. 

She had been wrong. Not only had the brat inherited her father's looks but apparently also his blatant disregard for his own safety, hygiene, and fashion. Just why couldn't this cutie be a little more like her mother? The elegant and fashionable part of her mother, not the cool morbidity. Even though her vocabulary was very limited, the girl did show those tendencies on occasion.

Nami sighed and picked the squealing dirtball up by the scruff if her neck, bringing her to her eye level.

"Just how did you manage to get only the worst stuff from your parents," she asked, not expecting an answer.

She got one though, muddy hands slapped both her cheeks accompanied by a happy giggle and the only words she knew. "Marimo, fuck."

"Fucking marimo, indeed," she grumbled before turning on her heels to search for the good for nothing.

When she found his lazy ass napping under the lawn deck's tree, she dumped his filthy little spawn on his chest, his breathless gasp just barely helping to ease her irritation.

"There, you take her shopping. See if I care if she's running around in her marimo father's rags."

Smacking her dirty hands against her father's cheeks, she squealed again, not giving a single fuck that she was still pissed or that she'd been thrown around like a ragdoll.

"Marimo!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked that one!  
>  **In two weeks** the little bird will show her true colours, which is very concerning to Usopp! The chapter may or may not be betaread, I decided not to care ^^'
> 
> Now, for all of you who came from [Shoganai](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14560110/chapters/33643965), in case you were wondering what Zoro would do about the Kitetsu problem if he hadn't gloriously fucked up and fallen in love with Robin, I wrote a little ZoTash fic called [Scars On The Back](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24222232). Is it vain to write an au to your own au? Probably. But I had fun writing it. ..............................please don't ask me about [The Ghost From His Past](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21846358)... I've hit a wall with that... like... the ghost cherry poppin' was so good? All I write seems woefully lacking? Like I've peaked... ANYWAYS enough rambling, thanks for reading, any of my works, it means a lot to me!


	5. Beware The Creepy Cockatoo!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo and welcome back!  
> Glad you're still around, this chapter is the first unbetaed and all mistakes are my own and solely to be blamed on Grammarly. Hope you enjoy
> 
> Sidenote, thanks to Dire_attacks for an awesome bookmark, that made my day!

There was no use arguing, Robin was hands down the most intelligent person he knew. That didn’t stop her from being creepy though, in fact, it made her even more creepy. The intelligent foes were always the most dangerous, he knew that. Completely objectively that woman should not be alone with children and his opinion had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he had been suffering night terrors ever since he had walked in on her changing the ugly bird’s dirty diaper. 

The scene had started out so utterly sweet and innocent, as she had tickled the giggling babe’s belly, whispering sweet little words in her ears. Only when he had stepped closer the true horror of the scene had manifested itself. It wasn’t sweet nothings the archaeologist had cooed, no. 

_ “My my, aren’t you the sweetest little thing, just be careful chewing on that foot of yours, not that you acquire a taste for human flesh. You want to be a cannibal when you grow up my little bird? Who wants to be a cannibal? You want to be a cannibal!” _

His knees still got weak just thinking about it. And the kid had just kept giggling! Maybe it was already too late, maybe he should resign himself to his fate, dying surrounded by creepy women. And he had thought Tori could be different if they all worked together, teaching her only the best traits each of them had. 

After that incident, he had kept his exceedingly tired eyes on her and what he saw chilled him to the bone. The child of his terrifying friends was not normal.

Robin’s creepy morbid bedtime stories that would keep him up all night? The child slept like a rock. He still flinched whenever Zoro and Sanji vented their frustrations on each other. It was a horrid situation, the powerful energies bearing down on anybody and everybody, the swordsman’s vicious snarl that made battle-hardened marines turn tail… all of that would only make the bird coo and laugh and clap her hands in delight.

He had to do something. It was his turn to protect the crew. They had to change the way they acted around the child or she would become more horrifying than all of them combined. Yes, the great Captain Usopp would save them from their blindness! He would make them see!

Timidly he knocked at the library’s door, knowing Nami was inside and working on her maps… It was a highly risky manoeuvre disturbing her like this, but the issue just couldn’t wait any longer.

“What is it,” the navigator barked, but he had become brave since they had started their journey together, so he only shuddered when he heard a delighted squeal following. 

The child was utterly defenceless, how could it be so carefree as to giggle and coo at the terrifying irritation seeping from the resident thief?

There was only one logical answer. 

He was too late. It was done. The child was a psychopath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's short but I hope it was fun nonetheless!
> 
> In two weeks, the crew thinks it would be a good idea to leave the child alone with Luffy... hopefully betaread but who knows...
> 
> If you enjoyed, be so kind as to drop me a kudos or a comment!


	6. Cockatoos are birds of prey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo and welcome back!  
> Glad you are still here, since I'm losing bookmarks left and right for this fic. Quick heads up, if you take back your bookmark without an explanation I'll henceforth just assume you don't like the fact that Tori is a demon and not a little angel😜
> 
> Now on to the unbetaed chapter... who ever thought leaving Luffy alone with a kid was a good Idea?

They thought they tricked him. Gave him a steak to keep him silent, so he wouldn't protest that he couldn't explore the island and had to watch Tori instead.  _ Shishishishi _ , they didn't know that he tricked had tricked  _ them _ ! Ohh they had no idea he'd watch her without the steak. He had plans for her after all. 

He liked the newest addition to his crew. He liked her and he liked spending time with her. She was very funny actually, with how ugly she was? He just didn't like that she looked so much like chicken-guy. It made it hard to tell them apart. 

She liked him too, she always laughed when he did the chopstick dance and she really liked pulling his cheeks. She only pulled his cheeks, so that had to be special, all the others' cheeks just got slapped.

As she sat in front of him on the table she made that concentrated face again, it was the same he did while pooping and he knew it was the same for her. Or she was thinking, but that should show more effort, shouldn't it? He sniffed the air, no, definitely not poop. So, maybe she thought of another word she could say? Maybe he should teach her? He was the captain after all. The fun words were already gone though… he put his chin in his hand, trying to think of another word. A perfect world. Poop was a fun word, but he didn't want to get whacked over the head by Nami for teaching her that. He had seen what she had done to Zoro after he had taught her a bad word and he didn't want that. 

Hm, His first mate's daughter was definitely a leader, she had the look of a leader, face all scrunched up and her chin in her chubby hand. Very leaderish. Captain's orders! No, that was a good word for a leader but she wasn't supposed to be  _ the _ leader, that was him. What he wanted her to be was his accomplice. Something cute that not even Nami could get mad at. It didn't help that she was ugly though… maybe he should teach her cute words to make up for that? But what exactly were cute words? He didn't know anyone cute that used cute words. He knew from Sanji that girls were cute, but he only really knew Nami and Robin, and both were creepy and not cute. Or did them being girls automatically make everything they did or said cute? Maybe he should ask Franky about the  _ mekanicsism  _ of that. It couldn’t be though, otherwise ‘fuck’ would also be a cute word because Nami used it all the time and she really hadn’t been happy about Tori knowing that word. 

Raising an accomplice was really more difficult than he had thought it would be. On the other hand, the plan was progressing real nice, because she already loved herself a good t-bone… Ohhhh, that’s it!

“So, Tori, can you say meat? M-e-e-t?” 

But she just looked at him, scrunching her brows together harder.  _ Shishishishi,  _ she looked like one of those shrunken heads he'd seen on Amazon Lily, so ugly! 

"Okay, not meat… maybe… oh! You do like steak don't you?" He asked picking up the slap of meat from his plate to wave it in front of the girl's eyes. 

They went wide with wonder, her chubby hands stretching towards the dripping food. He didn't worry that it dripped on the table. If he got Tori to ask for steak, Sanji wouldn't mind at all.

"If you can ask Sanji for steak we can share," he suggested. "Come on, Tori, say S-t-e-e-k! You can even have some of this," he said and shook the meat a bit for emphasis. "S-t-e-e-k. Just say the words"

_ Shishishishi,  _ she was really just like him, could barely take the eyes from the offered meat and looked at him sceptically. A bit grumpy too, like Zoro.

"Come on, if you say it you can have some."

She looked back at the steak hovering in front of her. Brows knit in concentration. Tiny fists balled. 

"Su-"

"Yes? S-t-e-e-k"

"Suteeeeeeki!", She cried out, thrusting her hands out expecting her treat.  _ Shishishishi _ . He gave her the promised steak, it was bigger than her head but she bit in and munched on it anyway with a tiny giggle.  _ Shishishishi,  _ his steak supply was secured!

Vaguely he remembered that they had said to only give her tiny pieces, but cutting was a lot of work and she seemed to like the big slap… maybe he should have cut some off for himself though… maybe she'd give him a tiny bit? It looked so good. Juicy. The juice ran over her fingers. Just a ti- 

His hand stopped midair. Had she- had she just growled at him? With great difficulty, he looked away from the steak and to her face. Her eyes narrowed she stared at him over the gigantic piece of meat. For a moment he didn't quite know what to think about that, but…  _ shishishishi,  _ she was just perfect for his plans! Endless supply of steak forever! Until Sanji was back he'd just have to make do with the sandwiches he had prepared for later. What a good thing that hey hadn't found a new source of the stupid stone to reinforce the fridge after Zoro Had cut it open back then.  _ Shishishishi _ , Marimo.

The rest of the afternoon he spent happily babbling away at Tori. Explained to her how important it was to be nice to Nakama, which meant that you'd share your steak and she'd gurgle and giggle and happily munch on her steak.

It got already dark when he felt the others returning and really he couldn't wait for Tori to test her new words on Sanji!

The door to the kitchen opened. Zoro and Robin stood there. One eye narrowed in irritation swept over the scene and with a loud plop, Tori unlatched from her steak.

"Mama, Marimo, steeeki!", She giggled, and trust the cold meat in their direction. It slipped from her grasp, eyes growing comically wide in horror, but he was fast. Caught it with his stretched out arm before stuffing it in his mouth. It really wasn't nice that she'd hogged it all afternoon like that.

He saw her bottom lip quiver and he knew her crying did a number on eardrums but he wasn't worried. He pat her hair, only realising it had been the dirty one when her green feathers stuck to it. 

"Don't worry Tori, if you ask nicely, Sanji’ll cook us a fresh one," he assured and just like that she broke into a smile.

"Curlii steeki!" She called out.

Behind him, a hand smacked against a forehead and he heard the muttered "what have you done" from his first mate and a telltale  _ fufufufu  _ from Robin.

_ Shishishishi _ , all according to plan!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I hope this was fun enough!  
> I have an announcement to make!  
> From now on, I'll upload stuff every Wednesday. If it's Wednesday I will upload something, not necessarily this fic (but let's be honest it will mainly be this because I love that brat). Unfortunately I doubt this fic will get beta read anytime soon so just bear with my atrocious grammar and punctuation. 
> 
> Anyways, let me know what you think about it and maybe subscribe so you don't miss an update... also did you know that you can subscribe to a whole series? I didn't and I felt pretty stupid... Hope to see you next week!
> 
> Would be awesome if you could do this [anonymous survey](https://forms.gle/JngjBCbbB78xSnUb7) on your personal reading preferences!


	7. Mystery Cockatoo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo and welcome back!  
> Oh boy, I almost forgot to upload this ^^' Sorry for the delay!
> 
> This time it's a little different, why you ask? Because Tori isn't there in person. This chapter is a bit heavier than the others, set at marine HQ and there is some background character death, it's not pretty but I don't think its too graphic.

It wasn’t unusual for the Government to ask for a meeting about the infamous Strawhats. In fact, it was almost happening regularly and their sudden disappearance had the higher-ups in just as much uproar as it had three years ago. But this time... this time it was different, very different. They hadn’t just disappeared, they had backtracked to the East Blue. What in the world could have brought this infamous, admittedly powerful crew back to East Blue? It definitely couldn’t be a coincidence. They had to be planning something! Why turn around this close to their captain’s expressed goal? Had they found a key of some sort? Was Raftel in the end maybe not at all part of the grand line? 

It was amusing almost, to see Fleet Admiral Sakazuki burning through his cigars like that while Officials presented him with one outlandish theory after the other and she could barely contain a chuckle when Smoker-san got up from his seat to hand the boiling man his Jacket with the strapped in Cigars. 

“We need more resources, it’s not only about Strawhat, I’m afraid,” an agent spoke up, papers clutched in his hand fearing the temperamental outbreak soon to come. “My agents have spotted a pattern, which is of the utmost concern. From the self-proclaimed Strawhat fleet to known allies like Trafalgar Law or Dracule Mihawk, they’ve all been observed carrying the same mark from time to time. A small grey handprint on either cheek. The captain himself is the only one we have confirmed to not carry it.” 

Tashigi swallowed drily as the heat in the big headquarters building rose again, for the probably 100th time the last hour. It was fascinating how much power this devil fruit had even with that little control to get the man into that position he was in. Horrifying if she was honest with herself. Everyone knew he had a hair-trigger temper when it came to that crew and the scorched ceiling and tabletop were evidence enough. 

She bumped her leg into Smoker's next to her when he subconsciously wiped at his cheek. They'd have to be more careful in the future. Even more careful because by now they knew without a doubt that one didn't just leave the Thousand Sunny  _ without _ these dirty handprints on their cheeks nowadays. It just wasn't done.

"They could be planning another coup," one official suggested, "they still have momentum after the fail-"

She jumped from her chair just as the table started to liquify. Fucking idiot! Had they not learned? Her gaze met Smoker's. That assumed coup couldn't come soon enough. Justice had been a mere concept for years, but damn if Sakazuki was any better than some backstabbing, filthy pirate like Blackbeard. With a gulp, she forced down the bile that rose with the smell of burnt flesh and smoke and her back straightened when the fleet admiral's eyes zeroed in on her.

"You, see to it that his family gets his remains, add some sappy words to it, too," he commanded with a nod towards the ashes. 

"With all due respect, consoling widows is not my captain's duty," Smoker spoke up, leaving out the obvious murder accusation.

"Well, what is her fucking duty then? Surely not capturing the Strawhats because that would make her a fucking failure! Should have fucking hanged her instead!" Sakazuki roared and she did her absolute best to neither flinch back nor show any anger towards him because Smoker sure wouldn't be able to stop him then. 

A heavy sigh and the scraping of a chair disrupted the tension as vice-admiral Tsuru stood. "Now now, you know that if it wasn't for this weak woman marine, you wouldn't even have had Roronoa at the gallows, it's not her fault you ordered her to stay away. I'd very much like for this to be the last time I have to witness you losing control like that, Sakazuki." She declared and turned to leave, leaving the rest of the room in even more uncomfortable silence with the clear threat in her voice. Even Sakazuki nervously lit one of Smoker's cigars. 

"Or what? Will you come after me with your boytoys? How about you come up with a fucking explanation, Tsuru?" He lashed out like a cornered beast.

She admired Tsuru with all her heart, but this? She really wished she would do exactly that. Come after him with all tools available. Sakazuki was intolerable. For everyone with some sense of justice, Sakazuki was simply intolerable.

"Don't test my patience, boy. This unhealthy obsession with the Strawhat boy needs to stop. The worst crime he has committed was to spite you, I agree that his ability to make allies is worrisome but your personal vendetta against him gives him a lot more exposure than necessary. They sell merchandise, he has a fanclub that turned pirate and none of this would have happened if we didn't make him this greater than god figure. Name one incident he went against the government unprovoked? The two big incidents that gave him a following? He tried to save his brother and he saved his first mate. There are worse pirates we should focus on, Fleet Admiral Sakazuki."

A torrent of lava hit the door the very moment the vice-admiral had closed it behind herself. 

They left the stifling conference room with the order to pursue the Strawhats in the Eastblue and a feeling of relief that no one else had come to harm in this meeting. Both knew that it was only Tsuru's intervention that had reined that renowned temper in. He hadn't always been like that, she knew, they all did. He had been a stoic man and still was just as long as it didn't concern the one pirate who had ridiculed him twice. Vice admiral Tsuru was completely right, he was obsessed.

"Smoker, Tashigi, a word," Tsuru called from behind and she almost tripped over her coat if it wasn't for Smoker's firm grip around her upper arm. They followed the elder obediently even Smoker didn't question her request and she wasn't entirely sure if he carried the same heavy weight of dread in the pit of his stomach or if he just respected her too much to be annoyed by her. 

The door fell closed behind them and Tashigi had never seen a more spotless office in her entire career. Her marvel only interrupted by a sudden tingle on her face and a feeling of refreshment and cleanliness. A precaution on Tsuru's part maybe?

"I know you've taken a liking to the boy and his crew as much as you know that I don't condone the practice of hunting down babies for their parents’ crimes. Why did they not get rid of the child?" Tsuru's eyes were hard, set on Smoker and his audible swallow just proved that there was no way to hide a dirty lie from the woman before them.

"Speak up, boy, this room was cleansed from all surveillance," she assured and Tashigi had to admit a certain level of entertainment in Smoker's unease.

"The child has green hair, we all figured it would be too dangerous to give it away with how present they all were in the media at the point."

Tsuru nodded along, not at all surprised by the hair colour and hence revealed parentage. There was a reason the woman's wisdom was feared even among the ranks and the jokes about an epic trivia battle between her and Nico Robin didn't stem from nowhere.

"I can imagine how hard that was for her, having been on the run as a child herself. Do tell them to clean its hands until it can choose its own path. There is no justice in judging a child by their parents’ crimes, in hunting the innocent and defenceless and I would hate if I wasn't given a choice in the matter."

There really was no hiding anything from her. Was this how the Strawhats felt constantly being around Robin? But obviously it would be better if she didn't know but there were worse marines to find out. Those with a lot messier sense of justice for example. They nodded their understanding, turned to the door when Tsuru chimed up again. "And Captain, you'd do well to wash your face more properly next time."

God damn those pirates!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this despite Tori not being here and Akainu being a cunt. Don't worry, next time we'll see Tori in her natural habitat again, a bit happy family, until then please take care and maybe fill out this [anonymous survey](https://forms.gle/fwg6xstLi4S2WF3B9) on reading preferences, simply because we writers are a curious bunch xD


	8. Impressionable Cockatoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The little Cockatoo has been acting up, er eating behaviour has been really worrisome but she is still the happy little thing she was before... Whatever could the reason be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo and welcome back!
> 
> Beware and don't scroll too far too soon, the punchline is "art" attached at the end.   
> Also, it's safe to assume that none of this fic will be betaread so get used to my random punctuation and run on sentences.

Like all the other sane people on this ship, Nami originally was convinced that bringing a child into this fucked up world and in their circumstances was utterly and completely irresponsible. She'd come around since, because monster she might be, she wouldn't miss Tori for the world. Played Sanji maybe better than she did, was a fine excuse for Luffy to be quiet in the afternoons and together with her equally dirty and stupid -sorry Robin- father she was teeth-rottingly cute. And even though she could already feel the next cavity, for the life of her she could not look away from the infuriatingly sweet scene in front of her.

Good for nothing Marimo lying flat on his back, while two deeply concentrated children used his chest as a table for their horrible drawing excesses. And horrible they were, Luffy's art skill just barely trumped the two-year-old’s. Just barely. Robin had her ridiculously long legs folded over her husband's, back reclined against their tree, reading a book but no doubt paying very close attention to everything. This little family was the cutest shit she'd ever seen and she'd be caught dead before she'd let the Marimo know about that. Like fuck, she'd give him that satisfaction. No fucking way. 

Her Lawn chair was only within earshot and in direct line because that was the only place where the sun hit her just right. Nothing more to it. Not at all. 

An especially hard jap of bright yellow crayon on paper and ribcage had the idiot jolt awake under loud protests from the two wannabe artists. The little demon always did that when she was done with another piece of art, and definitely had learned that from what she probably decided to be her big brother. 

"Papa look!" Tori demanded presenting her unintelligible scribbles with a proud grin on her tiny ugly face. 

"The fuck is that supposed to be?" He asked like the dumbass buffoon he was but thankfully they were spared the desperate wailing by Robin chiming in. "Why, I would believe it is quite obvious, Kenshi-san?"

And instantly the quivering bottom lip stopped quivering and stretched into a grin again.

"Yes! Papa big stupid. Tori drew Sunny!" She exclaimed and at least he had the decency to nod. "Oh yeah sure, now I see it." He said before ushering the kid to show her latest masterpiece to Usopp and she ran off. It was clear which one had more brains. It took their captain about one minute of scowling before he got the fucking hint, started laughing and collected the drawing equipment from Zoro's chest and slink away. 

Fascinating almost. Their first mate had always been lenient with Luffy's spontaneous bouts of idiocy, just one step behind most of the time. One shared brain cell in action, but… she was sure before Tori he would have just cursed the boy away for shit like that but it seemed like fatherhood had mellowed him out. 

"You really saw Sunny in that?" He asked his wife sitting up and was greeted with her usual laughter. "In fact, I had interpreted it as a massacred seaking, but we have to encourage her."

Of fucking course. Those two really did deserve each other, didn't they? And neither of them seemed to take their jobs as the actual parents of the brat very seriously. She hadn't expected much from the meathead but Robin? Ugh. Sure her happiness seemed to be the only thing they were concerned with but for fuck's sake raising a child was more than that!

Sure they stepped in when she took too much advantage of Sanji… peeled her off Brook and Jinbei when she pretended to eat them… whisked her up when she toddled too close to the railing and sometimes even subjugated all of them to a crying fit because they would not give in to her ridiculous demands… but neither had done anything about her recent eating behaviour and that was something that  _ responsible _ parents really  _ should  _ be worried about.

Ever since Luffy had given her that steak she'd loved steak, but recently she'd just started to refuse any and all Vegetables or fruits and it wasn't just worrying to her but also Sanji and Chopper. She even threw a fit if she got soup or pureed foods because there could be produce in there. And now instead of the balanced nutrition Sanji usually provided for all of them, she just ate more meat. Meat in all forms.

Maybe it really was time for an intervention. Went on for weeks already. With a sigh, she got up, now that the children had left the scene absolutely nothing, not the last beri on earth would be enough to make her stay back within earshot of those two. 

Snatching her half-empty cocktail from the table she made towards the kitchen, but not before hollering at them to get a fucking room because fucking seriously, were they teenagers? At least from Robin, she would have expected more but at the same time… She really should know better by now… ugh, it had been  _ her _ who’d gotten more lenient with the kid, god damn it! On their next crew meeting, they should revise the strict no-touching rule in all the communal parts of the ship, she had kinda slacked with that since the child’s birth. Yes, that would be a good idea, and it would most certainly get a majority vote. Again.

She found Sanji slumped over the eating table, a ridiculous amount of scribbled on paper surrounding him, and a chewed up cigarette resting next to his mouth drooling on the latest piece of parchment. She wasn't quite sure if she was more disgusted by the sight or amused or worried. She knew he hadn't slept much since Tori started to refuse his meals. So maybe she should let him rest? 

She definitely should, the dark circles under his eyes were unreal and a horribly stark contrast to his usually pristine exterior. Carefully she combed his blond strands out of his face and pinched the thoroughly disgusting remains of the chewed up cigarette. Disgusting as it was it really was the least she could do, dumped it in the trash and took his suit jacket to cover his shoulders. He always took such good care of them and the barbarians barely even thanked him for it. Just shovelled their food in their disgusting maws probably not even noticing all the elegant flavours. She placed a little peck on his brow, something she'd never do if he were awake lest he bled to death, the fucking dumbass. 

She was just about to tiptoe out of the kitchen when she caught sight of a few papers that had fallen to the kitchen floor in his desperate brainstorming attempt, so she bent down to pick them up. What the– there was more under the bench. But different. Bright colours attacked her eyes, furious scribble instead of neat, orderly script. She reached around Sanji's shiny shoes and pulled the haphazardly stacked and glued abomination of a  _ book _ from a dusty corner that she was sure someone had been supposed to clean earlier this week. 

She crawled back, dusting her knees and took to inspect the godawful monster which was no doubt created by Luffy. The only thing setting the thing apart from Tori's art was the writi–

What the actual fuck?

"God damn it Luffy, get your fucking rubbery ass in here right fucking now!" She screamed from the top of her lungs completely forgetting about the chef whose peaceful slumber she had not wanted to disturb.

She smacked the self-made book in front of him before he had a chance to tell her how wonderful it was to be awakened by her sweet angelic voice. "Captain is on a veggie diet until Tori eats them again and then another fucking month." She declared.

"Fucking bastard idiot shithead," the cook seethed, completely forgetting about the presence of the sweet angel next to him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this cute little chapter! Let me know what you thought about it and if you're nice in the comments I might tell you about the other helpful children's books Luffy drew for Tory, yes I have a list, but they won't make it in the actual fic, I just picked the one that would be easiest incorporated in a story. I might even go crayon shopping and draw the others... 
> 
> Next week there won't be any chapter of any fic because I'll be busy as fuck and I don't exactly know how to upload the bulk I have... Anyone here interested in the smutty sequel to Shôganai, or nah?
> 
> Anyway, have a nice day, stay healthy!


	9. Birthday Cockatoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a party on Sunny. What kind of party? Well, for one it's a party for the adults and their ~~allies~~ friends to enjoy themselves, but also, for a little whirlwind of dirt to terrorise the Strawhats' cook because it's her birthday and she has learned that meat is the only ~~nutisci~~ ~~nutricisou~~ tasty way to eat.
> 
> Don't get your hopes up on this one. If you're only here for Tori it's ridiculously short^^' But... There wasn't supposed to be a chapter in the first place so... make of that what you will xP

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo and welcome back!  
> I know I said there wouldn't be a chapter this week, but... It's one piece day and uh... Happy one Piece day!
> 
>  **Read First!** This chapter is a bit special... as in you do not have to read all of it. A lot really is just a set up for another fic. If you're only here for little Tori click here and read from there until the next link which will bring you to the end notes.
> 
> If, however, you're here because you already read Shôganai and also want to read the smutty sequel, which definitely will start with a ~~gang~~ bang, read it all.

It was rare for Law to just mingle. Although, since Wano it happened a lot more often, probably also helped that they weren't sailing the New World currently. And maybe, just maybe, the steady exposure to Luffy had the same effect on the serious captain as it had had on all of them.

And maybe, an even bigger maybe, this moment where he was watching Nami and Robin dancing to one of Brook's tunes was the right moment to breach the subject. Or maybe have Robin ask? He really wasn't sure how the heart pirate would react. 

"Which one you watching?" he asked and the black-haired man froze right while sipping on his 4th beer. Lightweight. The reaction didn't give him any answer though, was no secret he was protective of Nami, saw her as a sister.

The captain put his beer down. Turned his sunken eyes to him.

"I might have had one too many, I apologize, Zoro-ya," Law said and made to get up but he clamped his hand down his shoulder, pressed him back down in his seat and he could have been wrong, but he might have felt a bit of a shiver running down the other man's spine.

"Don't worry, if they dance like that they  _ want _ an audience, Robin does," he said as casual as he could but all he got was a bewildered, sobered look. Interest. 

"She's your wife, mother of your child, I, is that..." the captain was baffled, baffled him in turn too.he doctor knew his history at least, he shouldn't be this surprised.

"Doesn't mean she can't have fun does it?"

The doctor became guarded, thinking. Gaze flickered from him to Robin.

"Am I right to assume you'd be part of this deal?"

Ah, caught on quickly, eh? Maybe he  _ did _ have his history in mind. "Yes. For now."

The doctor nodded his understanding and picked up his mug again before turning back to the dancing women, thoughts definitely different from before. 

He gulped down the last of his bottle and got up to get another but not before placing both hands on surprisingly scrawny shoulders. The surgeon jumped right into his touch, too transfixed by the display or maybe too deep in his own thoughts already. 

He bent down. "Just think about it," he told him, knowing full well that the man's brain was already going at coup de burst velocity.

One last glance at the two women dancing he turned towards the kitchen. They didn't dance in a particularly suggestive way or anything, but he supposed especially for people like them the carefree and joyous dance had an extra bit of attraction. 

"But Saaanji, I want steak!" he heard before even opening the door and right after a for this time of the night way too enthusiastic, affirming call for  _ steeki _ . Gods damnit, wasn't she supposed to be asleep already?

For a moment he hesitated. Did he really want his sake so much that he'd get himself involved in this? He sighed. Didn't matter, they were both kinda his responsibility. Not that the shit cook couldn't defend the fridge against Luffy normally, but he didn't stand a chance since their captain had Tori on his side. 

Upon opening the door he found Curly in front of the fridge with Luffy wound tight around his legs, looking up with the biggest puppy dog eyes imaginable, while his demon of a daughter jumped on the table with the repeated chant of 'steeki, steeki, steeki' always careful not to trample her brand-new anatomy pop-up book. Ha, Nami Had been just short of ripping off Law's head, insisting something this sick and twisted was in no way suited for a two-year-old. Tori had proved her wrong by latching on immediately… Had made Usopp kinda nervous, but Robin had just been happy the girl showed interest in a proper book instead of Luffy's little scribbles.

One glance at Dartbrow was enough; one minute more and he would have caved and at least cooked a steak for Tori, who no doubt would've given the glutton half of it only to ask very nicely and charmingly for seconds.

Seeing him standing at the door it was obvious which of the two was the intelligent one; while Luffy kept to his whining after a quick hello, Tori sat down on her butt and shut her trap after a very meek greeting.

"Neither of you gets any steak," he stated and grabbed Luffy by the scruff of his shirt. Only took two tugs ‘till he let go of the cook to sit at his feet with a pout. "You know there's a buffet out there so don't bother the shitcook and stop dragging Tori in," he reprimanded and really, really couldn't remember when he'd become a father of two instead of one. 

It had always been his job to keep the idiot from drowning himself, but he had the feeling that ever since they got Tori the rest had kinda stopped trying. As if it was in his own best interest to just raise Luffy along with the girl. Fucking hells. He kicked the rubber brain out the kitchen before turning towards his daughter. Just how the fuck were they supposed to raise her properly if the rest of the crew just spoiled her rotten?

"I'm sorry Papa, he really really wanted steeki. You help Nakama, right?" She asked it with her innocent smile and that bit of confusion in her gaze that sure as fuck worked on the whole fucking crew. Fuck, they were feared far and wide and were totally fucking whipped by a two-year-old. 

"Don't even try, lil bird," he said and the innocence melted into defiance.

"I want steeki," She puffed, accepting that all her ugly cuteness wouldn't help her shit with her father.

"You are like two hours past your bedtime. This is your party, I get it, but no more taking advantage of Curly Brow today alright? If you want food take what's out there," he said and the girl squealed, lifted up her hands towards him.

"Fly?" she asked, vague hope in her little voice.

"No fucking way," he said and grabbed her at the scruff of her shirt like Luffy before instead of slinging her over his shoulder as requested. He heard a sigh of relief when he left the kitchen with her, scoff on his lips. Fuck, if the shitcook was that whipped now how fucking bad would it be if she grew up and maybe even turned a bit pretty?

He dumped her on the buffet table and left her with the stern warning that they’d get her in an hour and that neither he nor Robin would put her in bed if she wanted to stay up any longer than that. She gave him a thumbs up and a grin around a mouth full of seaking.

When he returned to the kitchen for his sake he was greeted by Law instead of Sanji.

"Would have expected you'd need more time than that," he said with a raised eyebrow and the surgeon scoffed.

"Most of all I need more information."

Right, of course, he did. Was like Robin in that regard. Or not, since the idiot woman had just wanted to dive in. He got himself another bottle of sake and sat down opposite the man.

"What do you want to know," he asked. 

Took him about five minutes to get on with it.

"Would it be an SM thing?" The tone was absolutely neutral, no way to tell if it was something the man dreaded or looked forward to.

"Would be whatever you wanted it to be, first round at least," he answered, equally impassive. 

"The whole thing would stay between us? Nobody would know?" Law asked and he was tempted to snark back, tell him that of course it wouldn't, they'd make an official statement, but caught himself when he remembered how it had gone with Hiyori.

"As much of a secret as such a thing could be on a ship, in a crew."

The surgeon nodded, knew the problem. Better than most probably. His submarine was way smaller than Sunny and the metal walls carried the sounds all around. The few weeks on their journey to Wano had been so tough on all of them.

"Robin subs for you, right? I don't think I will," he stated with his usual aloofness, but it did have a certain quality to it. Security. He got comfortable with the situation, was maybe even used to it. 

“Nobody says you’d have to,” he answered and the surgeon responded with a grin he hadn’t seen on him before, not even during battle. Oh, this was going to be fun.

“Fair warning, Law, I don’t share my position with someone, don’t submit to someone who can’t deliver. Last one who tried I had choking on my cock by the end of the night and beg for more.” And how nicely Hiyori-chan could beg…

After a heavy swallow that made him believe the captain wasn’t too set on his dominance, the man leaned back. “I’ll take my chances.”

He grinned, one of his more feral ones. This was going to be fun indeed. "I'll go get Robin for the details."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed, whichever version you read. The part of you who wants the whole experience, I'll see you next week for the second chapter of [Nami's Quest](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22727065), the others in two weeks in this very fic.
> 
> A huge thank you goes to SomethingGhosty for beta reading!  
> Leave me a comment and tell me what you think!


	10. Hush little cockatoo, don't you cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoro and Robin are out on a date so now the Crew has to take care of the little monster.

She loved her friends; they weren't just friends, they were family. She loved their kid just as much and since she knew that the stupid marimo had not one romantic bone in his body, she had deemed it her mission to get Robin the romantic rendezvous she deserved, which meant taking care of her child in the meantime. No big deal she had thought, the kid was a troublemaking whirlwind of dirt when awake but she never ever had any trouble sleeping through the night. Her plan for the night had been to take a long relaxing bath with one to seven cocktails and ignore any and all dumbassery around her while she knew her friend had the most romantic date a woman could dream of, apart from her oaf of a partner but that had been completely out of her control. How had she known that it was great? Because she had planned it, down to the last miniscule detail. Under threats of electrocution and a steep increase of debt she had even gotten the marimo into one of his incognito dress up suits. Yes, she’d tried it before and failed miserably, but this time they were already used to having a child, this time would be different. This time she had threatened to quadruple his debt so this time it would definitely work!

And what was her reward? Calm relaxation? No, no of course not. The one night her parents were off the ship the fucking brat had decided to not sleep through the night.

They had tried everything. Brook had sung to her, something that always lulled her to sleep. Usopp had tried to tell her a story, a classic fairytale, but apparently he told it all wrong and 'Mommy tells better'. Sanji had made her hot cocoa even though she wasn't allowed to have sweets after brushing her teeth and Franky had built her a little katana to stop the tears. Chopper had cuddled her until he had to retreat for medical reasons, mainly because his ears probably started bleeding and now she had tried to bribe her and even that had failed. 

She leaned against the kid's door that just barely dulled the shrill wailing from within. 

"Guys we need to do something, we can't call them back, they haven't even finished dinner and aren't even close to the moonlight stroll through oldtown and probably haven't even thought about the midnight concert. We have to calm her down," she sighed pinching the bridge of her nose. She loved the brat but she was definitely giving her a migraine. She didn’t even have the energy to fight Usopp for voicing that their friends probably didn’t care for moonlight serenades and were probably just out boning somewhere. That idiot, Robin was a sophisticated woman that enjoyed the finer things in life, wasn’t their fault that all the men on this ship were so fucking crude.

"Come on Sanji, fry me a steak!" Luffy whined for the umpteenth time. For fuck's sake! Just why was the one who deserved it the most immune to her lightning?

"Any ideas?" She asked around and when Luffy raised his hand she immediately whacked him over the head with her climatact. "If I hear you say steak one more time I'll tell Zoro and Robin that you let Tori fall in the ocean to teach her to swim."

At least that shut him up for now.

"I don't know, I checked her, she's not teething, it's not colics, medically she’s fine, though I might have to check her hearing and vocal cords tomorrow… I think it's just the first time she woke up and Robin or Zoro aren't here. I read somewhere that children her age react to smells? Maybe if we get her something they wore?" Chopper suggested over the raising volume of shrieks coming through the closed door. Ok these were desperate times, if it would shut her up she could definitely manage one of Zoro's smelly clothes. "Luffy, go get something of Zoro's from the hamper, shouldn't be a problem for you since you bathe even less," she ordered while bracing herself to get back inside the room of chaos and despair.

"I'll only go if Sanji can cook that steak"

What the… The gall of that bastard, couldn't he see they had a crisis to deal with? "Fucking fine, Sanji get the glutton his steak, one crying kid is enough for this evening, I can't handle any more"

Just when had been the last time she had given up like that? Never is when, but 2 hours of constant nonstop heart breaking wails tend to do that to you. She pinched Zoro's worn robe between her fingers, getting enough grip to keep the heavy material from falling but keeping the exposure to the vile thing as minimal as possible. One deep breath away from the offending garment and a last glare to her thumbs ups giving crewmates and she pushed the door open, truly glad for the earplugs Franky had handed out about an hour ago. She grabbed Robin's sleeping gown from the hanger and draped both fabrics around the crying kid. And, oh, she shut up? Yes! Yes! The girl finally snuggled into the smelly green and- as soon as she noticed the person the stench belonged to was missing she hiccuped once and started crying again. Oh why did she have to be this difficult?! She left the clothes on her bed and ran for the exit, one stuffed animal just so missing her head as it donked against the wall next to the door. Fucking brat!

"Damn, for a moment I had really thought it would work," Usopp sighed after she had safely closed the door again.

"Oww, maybe it's just not enough? Chopper-bro, what else do they smell like?"

"Um, Robin smells like books and coffee and Zoro like steel and sake. And cloves, too, maybe that can help?"

Oh she really had to be desperate if she was honestly considering letting the kid get a whiff of sake and coffee. Fuck it she was desperate. She turned to Sanji who just returned from the kitchen, "Sanji-kun, could you bring some fragrant coffee grounds and sake, please?"

He was agitated, she could see, but he complied with a happy dance and the usual swooning nonetheless. When he returned with the items and an even more clenched jaw and a vein ticking over his eye she had to ask. Usually it was only Zoro who could rile him up like that, to get him quietly steaming, this wasn't because Tori, was it? Despite his everlasting feud with her father, she was his little angel!

"That bastard, first crying for a steak, not any steak mind you, a juicy one, had to be perfectly medium, and absolutely flawless and also not that thin cut _ , get me the good one the expensive one. _ And now that he got it does he eat it? No! The fucker just stares at it and pokes it!  _ Too hot _ , he says. Fucking bastard!" The chef roared his frustration, switching between shouts of anger and an impeccable imitation of their captain. It did explain the mood, if there was something the man was truly passionate about it was food and the one thing he hated most was to waste it. She smiled at him when he opened his mouth to undoubtedly apologize for talking like that. "I understand, we'll deal proper punishment when we get Tori under control .. I think she just threw her Kung Fu dugong toy after me."

The blonde gaped at her, sake bottle almost slipping from his grasp. "She loves that plushie," he exclaimed and she nodded in response. 

"Aye, the situation is dire. We need a proper plan of attack. We tried singing and cuddles, stories and toys. We also tried her parents’ scents, but we haven't tried all of it together!" She stood proud, fists stemmed into her sides. The morale was down, she knew, saw it on their defeated faces. "We will all get in there, together, as a family and we will calm Tori's tears and if it's just so we can rub it in Zoro's stupid face!" Ha, that at least caught Sanji and Usopp! "Brook, how can you call yourself the soul king if you can't sing a little girl to sleep? You'll never get to see Robin's panties like that!" Whoop, three down! "Chopper, this is your duty as a big brother, you know she sees you like that and so do Robin and Zoro." Should she feel bad for aiming for his feelings? For making him tear up? No, this was war, and everything was fair in war. She turned to Franky, held his gaze. "This is the manly thing to do. Real men dry little girl's tears and even drink imaginary tea from ridiculously small teacups if it makes the child happy."

He gave her a stern nod, not even trying to keep his manly tears at bay. 

"Alright men, equip your earplugs and follow me!" She turned, hand already on the handle when she halted. Something was wrong. Something… it was quiet? She pulled out the earplugs, yes quiet, blissfully quiet quiet. Just the soft waves rocking against the ship and… And snores? She turned to the others and they seemed to listen equally baffled into the night. One finger to her lips she implored silence as she carefully pressed down the handle and opened the door. 

Her gaze immediately fell onto the girl's bed. "Well I'll be damned," she mumbled as she shuffled to the side to let the others see. There on the bed lay Luffy, snoring loudly and little Tori on his chest sleeping soundly, tiny hands clutching a thick, expensive cut of expertly medium cooked beef with little bite marks all around.

"Ow! Our captain doesn't deserve punishment, he deserves a barbecue," Franky whispered behind her and she wanted to strangle him when four eyes immediately snapped open. 

"Barbie cu?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed, let me know in a comment if you'd be so kind.
> 
> I'll be taking a bit of a break. I actually wanted to have the other Shoganai sequel out next week, but since I've just finished a writing marathon for the [Setsail gift exchange](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/SetSail2020) I'm a bit exhausted. Once it's done the Sequel will be posted in the [Shôganai Series](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1467541) so if you subscribe to that you won't miss it. Once that's up I'll continue with our lovely demon-spawn.


	11. A Cockatoo's Manners Matter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whatever could go wrong when you allow two Marimos to explore a town on their own? Especially if one may or may not have been influenced by all her fun uncles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo and welcome back!  
> So apparently I'm thoroughly burnt out from the [set sail fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25608973) and couldn't bear to write anything new, that Shôganai sequel will have to wait... Luckily I got some more Cockatoo saved away and can keep the supply up for a few more weeks!

# A Cockatoo's Manners Matter

## Or: How to get your dad beaten up by random ladies

He hated to admit it, but he was lost. With his daughter. In a town with a marine base. They've been walking for hours, probably, he could see her getting more and more tired with every step but she refused to be carried. Was a big girl after all… No need trying to figure out how she had inherited that stubbornness, saw it fucking _daily_ from all of them. Every single Strawhat was to blame for that. 

She tugged at his hand, smiling that big happy smile at him. "Papa, we're lost, no?"

Fuck.

"Is ok, I ask the ladies," she chippered, already skipping away in her dirty dress and with her green hair hidden under a cap just like his own. Not even noticing him cringe at both being called out on his one biggest flaw as well as hearing the shit cook's influence on her vocabulary.

Ah well, he supposed as long as she didn't adopt _his_ vocabulary things were fine, or at least painless for him. 

"May I humbly induce myself to you lovely young ladies," she began and his eye widened. Oh no, no, no, no, that fucking pervert!

"Oi, Tori," he called out in warning, but she just gave him a thumbs up. "Don't worry Papa, I got this."

Like fucking hell she had it. But before he could even decide whether he should cut the brat to pieces or just throw her over his shoulder and cut the skeleton to pieces she opened her mouth again. Probably with the sweetest fucking smile she could muster. 

"May we see your panties?"

The women's change in demeanour was instant. While before they had gushed at how cute she was being they now turned their icy glares at him, closed ranks in front of an utterly confused Tori to point their fingers and ready their purses.

"How dare you use an innocent little child for your depraved pick-up schemes?"

"Men like you are disgusting!"

"This child should be raised by a responsible, loving mother! Look at the rags he has her wear..."

He kept his eye on his daughter but raised his hands in a sorry attempt to appease them and took one step back. If the six years on the crew had taught him anything it was to never ever underestimate a furious woman. And boy were they furious.

Cutting them up would be self-defence, right? Ah fuck, who was he kidding, Nami would have his head if he caused a commotion, hadn’t forced the fucking cap on him for fun, although that wasn’t unheard of either.

“Tori, we run!” 

“Haaaaai,” she affirmed and even while calling she weaselled through the banshees’ legs towards him, hands raised and ready to be swept up any time.

She giggled and laughed when he threw her over his shoulder, no doubt waving at the women that stood there gritting their teeth at this disgusting example of the no-good father he was.

They were back on Sunny in a heartbeat and the brat still laughed when he put her on the grassy deck.

“Fucking hells, Tori, that’s not how you introduce yourself!”

“Uncle Brook does,” she pouted and he sighed, this girl would be the death of him. 

Crouching down to her level he lifted her chin up so she’d look at him. “And what happens to uncle Brook when he does?”

Her eyes widened a bit, then her lips drew in a hard line. With a huff, she turned away from him. “He gets beating up,” she grumbled, then her expression morphed into a grin, “But you did find back. Papa always do when there’s trouble.”

What the… Gods, this fucking brat had done it on purpose! And she even sprouted a fucking grin to prove it, no matter that she tried to hide it behind a grumpy scowl that was entirely him.

“Fufufufu, I take it you had a fun day out?”

The heat rose up his neck despite the fact that he was entirely too fucking old to still blush in front of his woman like that! 

“Your daughter needs a bath,” he said instead, poking against the dirty skirt of her dress. Really it was beyond him how she managed to get completely filthy in a matter of minutes.

“Oh, _my_ daughter?” She asked as she crouched down next to him, her amusement at the situation nearly enough to suffocate him. She bumped her shoulder into his in greeting before examining their dirty little bird.

“Yes, definitely your daughter,” he answered, brat had the same knack for humiliating him in public as her mother did and like her mother had the absolute audacity to not give a single fuck about his death glares. Instead, she beamed at him before nearly tackling him to the floor, hugging his neck and rubbing her greasy cheek against his.

“Love you, too, Papa.”

Read him like her mother, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed, drop me a kudos and or a comment if you'd be so kind.
> 
> You can follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/nitwentyone) for writing updates if you want!


	12. Let Me Tell You About The Time The Cockatoo Learned To Swim, A Captain Usopp Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What could possibly go wrong if you give two children (?) markers and a sleeping Marimo?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo and welcome back!  
> I have to say, this chapter was tremendously fun to write I hope you all enjoy it as much as me and my braincell did!

There are moments in every proud warrior's life when they know their battle-honed instincts work. Moments when all the dirt and sweat have paid off because the danger can be felt in their very bones. Some call that Haki, but he knew it was something else because he’s had observation Haki since Dressrosa. Knew how it felt when it tickled the edge of your conscience, and this wasn’t it. No, the feeling of dread that had settled in the pit of his stomach from the very moment the little psycho had shared one look with their captain had nothing to do with Haki, but everything with sailing with a crew of lunatics for years.

The moment the two  _ children _ had silently packed all their markers together… Well, that had nothing to do with his experience with the crew, that was basic parenting 101. When loud rambunctious children are suddenly  _ silent _ , shit is going down. He knew that for a fact. Everyone knew that. 

Where his brave warrior instincts came into play was the fact that, while hiding- no, while settling on the lawn deck a safe distance away from the still sleeping swordsman so any mishaps with his latest little creation would not endanger the crew- he  _ knew  _ someone would come very close to drowning today. Even before the sneaking artists tiptoed their way over the deck to settle on the grumpy swordsman’s lap.

It said a lot about their relationship; he could remember a time Zoro would stir the moment anyone even moved, but now it didn’t seem to matter which one of them came close… He had even seen Law approach him on occasion and he really, really didn’t want to think too hard about that. No. Absolutely not. His little mishap with Hiyori years ago had taught him a lesson. He would most definitely not question any relationship the grumpy man had with anyone. Nope, he would not go down that rabbit hole again. And he most definitely would not start wondering how Zoro and Robin had come across the surgeon on their date. They most definitely hadn’t looked like they had tried to sneak on board unseen during their impromptu midnight barbeque party. Nu-uh.

What he would do is watch closely under the guise of trimming his latest breed's leaves. They all did; Nami peeking over her newspaper, Brook watching over the edge of his Soul King cup. Robin pretending to read next to Franky, using the bulk of his body to block out the glaring midday sun, while the pervert sorted his Speedos by colour. Chopper ground already pulverized medication in his mortar while throwing new ingredients next to it because his eyes were glued to the scene. This was that moment. That moment before disaster struck. The moment where they all collectively held their breath. Even Sanji had stopped fawning over Nami, Just quietly handed her her drink, almost spilling it when they blindly tried to reach.

His warrior instincts had his body coiled, braced for impact. Only Jinbe seemed less intrigued and more worried. Of course he was, no matter that she tried to eat him on a regular basis, the little psychopath was his little princess. So much so, that instead of helping them get her to sleep the other night he had *manned the helm* in a freaking port because he wouldn't want the girl to associate him with anything bad. Seriously, they had thought the former Shichibukai would, don't know, be a level headed, sane addition to their crew but nope, the Fishman was just as much of an idiot as the rest of them.

One eye snapped open and he could swear there was a gasp going through all of them. Time stilled as the grey eye seized up the giggling opponents. The calm before the storm! Oh, what would become of these careless souls that had dared wake the demon from his slumber! One life barely lived and another that had cheated death far too often. Oh, what tragedy would befall the cr-

The giggling stopped as naked fear choked the two young heroes' hearts at the realization of what they had done, for the beast in front of them was truly horrible. Two eyes where one should be, one dead and empty and the other alight with fury and the promise of a gruesome death. Two horns protruding from a furrowed forehead, crooked and nasty as if rotting away already and the most unkept beard in history just barely able to hide the atrocious fangs zigzagging across snarling lips. Oh these poor souls, frozen in the face of mortal danger! But alas! There was hope yet! For it was well known that even the most fearsome beast may be swayed by the soft touch of a beautiful maiden!

One look toward the creepy archaeologist still sitting in the shipwright's shade, her book closed, resting in her lap, lips curled upwards with fondness for the horrifying beast and amusement at the young heroes' predicament. Oh, cruel fate! There truly was no hope left and thus, with two splashes of water the heroes vanished from the face of the earth!

Vanished... Vanished? What the– again the crew acted as one, almost, jumping to their feet and sprinting across the deck, one black dress shoe barely missed him as it was kicked from its foot.

"What the fuck are you crazy?! You can't just throw a three-year-old overboard, are you insane?!" Nami cried leaning over the railing to watch out for Sanji to resurface.

"Fufufufu, I do hope you tossed her far enough so she won't be dragged under Sunny." Robin laughed with just enough polite threat in her voice that it made his hairs stand on end as opposed to the recipient.

"Of fucking course I threw her far enough, woman, what kind of shitty father do you take me for?" The demon answered visibly annoyed. And just like that the vague concern left Robin and was replaced with something he really didn't feel like getting involved in. Especially not when his warrior senses were warning him of a much more dangerous storm brewing behind him.

"And you! What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Nami seethed, poking their helmsman in the chest, "you're a fucking Fishman why the fuck is still Sanji the one diving in to save them? You could have had them out in half the time!"

At least Jinbei had some sense of self-preservation, hands held up apologetically he had the decency to look guilty. 

"I apologize, Nami, I assumed that it is custom to let Luffy sink for a bit?"

"And what about the child goddamnit?"

"Ah, but the young ones can swim from birt–"

"She's human for fuck's sake! How could I have ever thought you'd be any better than the rest. Is this my fate? To grow old and ugly surrounded by idiots?" 

Oh no, that weak voice of their usually feisty navigator, the terrifying sorceress of the sea… When Franky hauled up Sanji with the two defeated heroes, one passed out and one already laughing and clapping her surprisingly clean hands together the fight left her completely. And while their panicked doctor slapped their idiot captain back to consciousness she sank against his strong shoulder seeking comfort.

"Why, Usopp? Why did we ever leave with these lunatics? Why do we stay?" She asked and they watched together as their sopping wet chef whipped the beast around to teach him that throwing children and anchors overboard wasn't really an option.

"Fufufufu, don't worry Sanji; fortunately, Tori is too scrawny to be of any interest for a seaking, she enjoyed herself and as an added bonus took a bath," the beast's bride intervened and yes, this was all the proof he needed.

Hugged Nami to himself, patted her head and squared his shoulders, he murmured against the crown of her head, "we left with them and stay with them because we're the only ones keeping them alive."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thank you to [SomethingGhosty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomethingGhosty) for beta reading.  
> If you liked this chapter please drop a comment or kudos, see you next week with a bit of a more serious chapter.  
> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/nitwentyone) for writing updates and ramblings


	13. Sanji's Odd Behavour; or, How To Lose A Cockatoo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo and welcome back!  
> Wait, no, I'm not back from my break, not sure I talked about this here, but before vanishing on you I was having trouble with a lack of reader engagement. Not getting comments made me sad and doubt my writing. I'm aware you all don't owe me anything, which is why I went on a break to learn to appreciate my own writing without relying on outside approval.   
> To do that I started to reread my stuff, Starting with Shôganai, I made a Twitter thread commenting at least one thing I liked about the chapters and it did help. Now I even started writing again, but only fics for friends so you may check them out at your own risk. I may get out a little bday fic today too, if I like it.
> 
> ANYWAY! It's Zoro's birthday and I still had this chapter lying around so I figured why not. Have fun!

He supposed staying in the kitchen long after everyone else had left while clearly being awake should be enough for the shitty cook to realize that he was here to talk. It might not have been that clear, but it was definitely enough to irritate the fuck out of him if the aggressive scraping on the bottom of the pot was any indication.

"The fuck do you want, moss for brains? Did your feet get lost without you?" He sneered, smacking the cupboard closed with more force than necessary.

He gave a vaguely amused chuckle, at least they could cross serious brain damage off the list. 

"You stopped your retarded dancing and swooning around Robin, she getting too old to meet your standards?" He taunted while draping his robe from the back of his chair over Tori who was sleeping on the couch, not missing how their cook completely froze on the spot. He'd give him a few seconds to collect himself while listening to his daughter's soft snores. Damn brat had completely exhausted herself while terrorising the crew all fucking day.

Curly set a bottle of sake on the table, not bothering to be quiet about it. Everyone knew that she slept like the dead… If she slept.

"Of course she's not too old, you stupid f-" he stopped his insult with a glance at the kid. Fucking hypocrite. She knew that word and more perfectly well by now, But at least he was aware of the seriousness, even sat down with him.

"Then why did you stop hitting on her?" he asked and received the most stricken and confused look he’d gotten since the cook saw Tori for the first time. 

Actually, this was Robin's business, not his. But he'd really been relieved when she told him it bothered her just as much. Together with Nami they had agreed that it would do no good for either of the women to approach him because of that, since fawning or not, he'd do anything to make either of them happy.

"I… she's yours?" He answered, confusion still as evident as before. Fucking idiot. He laughed. Freakin' liar too. Robin was his? Guy had been absolutely insufferable after Tori's birth, dancing around Robin and barely leaving her side, as if he had to make up for the fact that he couldn't just ignore the girl's patronage as he'd probably planned to. And now suddenly he just accepted that?

"So… you gave up?"

"No you fucking idiot, I'm giving you a break until sweet Tori is old enough to stop idolising her drunkard of a father and can accept me as Robin-chwan's true love," the cook snarled in his face. Fine maybe he'd gone a bit overboard with the taunting… "And I still got Nami," He added with a lot less aggression. Tender almost, as he sat down into a chair next to him. He poured him a cup of sake before taking a sip right from the bottle, had promised Robin to keep it civil, but that didn't mean he couldn't agitate the shithead for the earlier jabs.

"Not Nami," He said over the cook's rants about how uncultured he was and he could practically see him freeze, the exact moment when hurt flittered over his eye unobscured by that damn fringe and finally smashed with anger.

"What the fuck, Marimo? You think you can just claim all our ladies, or something? Am I not fucking good enough for your  _ little sister _ ?"

"That's not it shitty bastard, Nami would walk all over you, you need someone genuinely nice like Usopp's girl or Vivi… Or just Usopp for that matter."

It visibly took him aback, and he wondered if the cook just generally was an open book or if he'd actually become so in tune with all the shitheads he called a family that he could just see straight through the angry facade. Idiot understood that it wasn't a thing of Nami being too good for him, but rather him being too good for her… Maybe not too good. Shitcook was right, after all. He saw her as his sister, loved her dearly and despite her stupid debts she lorded over him and all her teasing, he knew that the moneygrabbing little shit was actually a really good person. So this really wasn't about being too good for the other and more about not right for each other. Cook knew that’s what he meant, didn't stop him from being a fucking cunt about it... 

"What, just because our idiot captain shackled poor Robin-chwan to your clumsy paws for life, you're suddenly the relationship expert?" The cook stood abruptly, hands patting him down for his cigarettes before glancing at Tori with a curse.

He gulped down the last of his sake before he got up himself and slung the unconscious kid over his shoulder. "She hasn't drowned herself yet so I'd say I'm doing a decent enough job so far"

"That's your fucking bar?" The cook cried out with palpable disdain.

Yeah well… he wasn't really relationship material in the first place, and if Nami's failed attempts on getting them on romantic dates counted for anything, neither was Robin, so… He doubted the bastard wanted to hear that he kept her well satiated. It would also be a low fucking blow and the cook was already down for the count anyways. He clamped a hand on the steaming cook's scrawny shoulder to get his attention again. Why the fuck was everyone around him twigging out? He knew for a fact that this shithead was in good shape…

"Just be your annoying, infuriating self again, much easier to get some extra sparring in that way, too."

When he left the kitchen moments later he knew the only reason he didn't have to evade a flaming foot was his brat currently drooling on his shoulder and he couldn't shake the feeling that Robin had left her with him for that exact purpose. Wouldn't do if the discussion had turned into an impromptu sparring session after one sentence.

The bubbling and barely contained excitement on his shoulder as he jumped down the railing to the bedrooms also proved his worst fears to be true. Kid had been listening in all the time. Damn brat really turned out to be just as scheming and conniving as her only female role models around… Not that he didn't love her as she was, she could probably get away with dying his hair pink or some bullshit, just saying that the following years would probably be a shit ton easier if he'd gotten his wish for a boy. 

Grabbing her by the scruff of her neck and putting her down on her own two feet he said "if you're awake you can walk on your own."

She instantly dropped her act of the rudely and abruptly awakened innocence incarnate and pouted up at him with a hint of fury, which really was a perfect mix of Luffy and himself. Fucking hells it really didn't matter at all whether she was a girl or a boy. She ate like Luffy, wrapped the cook around her pinky like Nami, asked complete strangers to see their fucking panties like the damn pervert skeleton as a way of introduction… Poor kid never had a chance on this damn ship and gender had fucking nothing to do with it. He ruffled her hair. "Let's get you to bed," he said and turned towards their rooms, trusting that she'd follow. He knocked on the girls' door, because it didn't matter that it was Tori's room too, he was not welcome there unannounced.

"How did it go?" Nami asked upon opening the door.

"Fine I guess? Just wanted to get Tori ready for bed," he explained blindly gesturing next to him and Nami furrowed her brows.

"Are you sure about that?"

What the? He looked down. No Tori? Where the- Nami burst out laughing next to him and he turned around. Found the little girl standing in front of the mast, looking left and right, before she cocked her head to the side, hand coming up to scratch the back of it, ruffling her green feathers. 

Fuck.

Still cackling, Nami patted him on the back. "Don't worry, I'm sure you can find a leash for her somewhere" she taunted, walking past him completely ignoring the sudden stiffness in his shoulders. Wha- The- That's not- Just, everything about that suggestion was fucking wrong and if he were eloquent he'd tell her on how many levels it was wrong, even though she probably already knew that. Fucking witch. 

"The fuck! Nami!" he called after her since he really, really wasn't eloquent, but she only waved back at him before leaning down to Tori when she reached her. 

"Sweety, your old man is that way," she explained, turning the kid in the right direction and pointing at him.

"Oh, did he get lost?"

Wha- fucking brat!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Ghost for always supporting me and for beta reading this.


	14. Scared Little Cockatoo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo and welcome back!
> 
> Hope you all had a good start into the new year and nice holidays if you celebrated! Been a while, hasn't it?   
> Thanks to SomethingGhosty for beta reading

Somehow, over the years, it had happened that she slept best with Zoro by her side. Without him she felt restless and cold, but maybe that had more to do with the exhaustion and the heated up crow's nest than his presence itself.

Maybe not. Fact was, when she lay on her plush bed with Tori and Nami breathing into the silence she would wake at anything, most of all a tiny gasp and a hiccup. Tiny feet scurrying over the carpet and the small dip of her mattress as a small hot body pressed against her in palpable distress.

"What's wrong, Tori?" she asked, wrapping her arms around the trembling child. It had been a while since she's had nightmares like that. Nightmares that she wouldn't shoulder through because she was the daughter of pirates and thus demons shouldn't scare her. That notion had always been equally adorable and worrisome, she didn't want her daughter to think she had to go through any distress on her own.

A sniffle. "There's a monster under my bed," she hiccuped, her big blue eyes wet with tears in the bit of light coming through the bullseye.

A monster, yes? She hugged her close. "I'm sure that was scary, Tori," she assured and got a nod. Her sniffles already calming down. "I think you scared it off," she continued, "those monsters hiding in the dark are mostly scared themselves, but," she paused for emphasis, her little girl perking up, finally more curious than scared, "there is one monster left on Sunny!" she finished, voice dipping low and foreboding, one finger raised in front of big curious eyes. Tori was a lot like Luffy sometimes.

"There is?" the girl asked.

She nodded, "Yes, Tori, yes there is. And you know where it is right now?"

Tori shook her head, eyes darting left and right.

"Right now, right this very moment, the monster is," she trailed off. Tiny hands digging into her nightgown, excitement dripping from her voice as she asked where the monster was and she let the child fall on her back, tickling her belly until she laughed and explained, "In the boys' room snoring in his bunk!"

Tori laughed and giggled and when she stopped the tickling the child yawned and sighed. "You're silly, Mama, Papa isn't a monster."

He really wasn't. But Tori would learn soon enough that barely any so-called monster was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed... anyone else wondering how this night will go on?


	15. Scary Little Cockatoo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo and welcome back!  
> So soon? Yep, part two and then I vanish back into the aether 😅

Something wasn't right. Something was there that wasn't supposed to be, felt it in his bones. This nervous energy. Kept his eye closed either way. Didn't move when the door creaked open. Kept quiet and motionless as not so sneaky steps thundered over the planks.

Was a fucking mystery how such a tiny human could make so much damn noise just by moving. Knew she was trying to be stealthy with how slow she was. They'd really have to work on that. Could cost her an arm or worse if she couldn't tiptoe around an enemy. Couldn't help the grimace at the thought. Fucking knew they would all make fun of him for suggesting anyone needed to work on their stealthiness. Was different though, was barely anyone around he needed to be stealthy around. Barely anyone he couldn't take out. He could compensate. Tori couldn't. Nevermind that he'd started training her since she was two because fuck if he could say no to that.

Brat had made a compelling argument, too. All her mother's daughter, no matter that they all blamed him for his predominant genes and influence. Shit. The gods have mercy on him should she demand actual sword training anytime soon. Nami and the shitcook would have his head for that and Robin would just stand at the side and laugh at his demise.

He should ask Franky for a proper practice sword for her. Actually it was high time she started getting used to the weight at least. When had he started? Could bet he'd started her age. Right? Robin wouldn't mind. She'd be happy if her kid could defend herself. Actually, come to think of it he wouldn't be surprised if she gave the kid an actual blade to start out… And the others thought he was reckless in his parenting…

With a resounding thud she fell over what probably was Luffy's underwear, which was a feat in itself because he rarely even changed it and he felt Ero-cook stir one bunk over. Asshole better not ruin this for her. Girl kept to the floor, robbed loudly over the planks and finally came to rest under his bunk with a proud giggle.

What a fucking mess.

One deep calming breath to hold her giggles, she quieted and listened to her breathing, the calm coming over that little monster… Used the breathing exercises he'd taught her. To calm herself and prepare for battle. Shitty parenting his ass.

Her actual attack was swift and flawless, almost soundless she rolled from under his bunk and as soon as she was free she jumped at him armed with her Kung-Fu dugong plushy and an almost terrifying roar.

He widened his eye in feigned surprise, one hand at his blades just a moment too slow to protect himself from his would be attacker and suddenly she was there sitting on his chest looking so fucking smug he couldn't even tell if it was Robin or himself he saw in her.

"And what was that supposed to be?" he asked and she beamed at him.

"I was the monster under your bed and you were too slow to catch me." She stated with a self assuring nod.

Sat up, let her tumble from his chest onto his lap and tickled her the way she'd never admit was tickling no matter how much she laughed.

"Looks like I caught you after all."

Was vaguely aware that it was the middle of the night and that apparently it wasn't healthy for her to be up that time. As if anyone here had anything resembling a healthy sleeping schedule. Knew they'd woken the others up. Didn't matter though, they were used to it and he knew for a fact that none of them would turn her down. She wouldn't just come out of nowhere.

Her laughter died down. Now with her energy lower, quietly thrumming under her skin and almost ready to fall asleep again she spit it out without any prompting. "Mama called you a monster."

He scoffed. "Did she now?" he asked. Really, for fuck's sake she should know better. She nodded. "I told her she's wrong."

Damn right she is. "Well," he said, getting up and slinging the kid over his shoulder the way she always liked, "can't have that can we, gotta set that right."

He heard the others shuffle behind as he walked out the boys' room and predictably found them waiting against the wall when he reached the girls' room.

Cocked an eyebrow at Luffy for formality. Didn't have to ask. Knew situations like that were grounds for captain ordered cuddle parties and Luffy just gave a sleepy grin because he knew he wouldn't keep him from wrapping them all up in his rubbery hug after he'd settled this family business. Actually, he was counting on a rubbery hug slinging together bones and fur, wouldn't have it any other way after the kid learned that they were all monsters in a way and that not a damn fucking thing was wrong with that.

When he opened the door both Nami and Robin were awake. Sitting in their beds obviously waiting.

"What happened?" Robin asked for protocol.

Shrugged and pulled Tori from his shoulder by the back of her pajamas. "Found a monster under my bed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to SomethingGhosty for the quick beta

**Author's Note:**

> How about joining the brand-new [ZoRobin discord](https://discord.gg/azmUH8xrc4)?


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